I want small things that give me small joy; minor character energy. Because I bubble inside. I’m fizzy. And that only happens when I listen to myself — not you. And that’s what I want more of, every day, until die. My own, kind, voice, speaking to myself.

I’m thinking of the extreme ups and downs of watching a sport in which one second you’re ecstatic, and another you’re devastated, and in-between you’re either waiting in trepidation for the next thing to happen, or languishing in calm when a goal redeems the mood.

Halting hesitation breeds more of the same. It’s the same for me in relationships (I fawn if anything goes wrong), and writing. My most prominent feature is a stop button, and it’s on the inside. My abiliy to stop is world-renowned. Or would be, if I ever didn’t stop myself from putting that out there.

Because that’s the real benefit of taking time off - to get back to work and loving what you do.

‘Our anger breaks to the surface most often through our feeling there is something profoundly wrong with this powerlessness and vulnerability… Anger in its pure state is the measure of the way we are implicated in the world and made vulnerable through love in all its specifics.’ David Whyte, poet & philosopher.

The reason we talk about the patriarchy is that we are tired of fixing ourselves from the problems other people started. 

It’s very much not the only problem. But it’s up there. It’s not just us: when it comes to the problem of racism, for example, I’m caucasian and I don’t see my privilege so I’m part of the problem. And so is the patriarchy. 

But it’s something we talk about now, and the idea has changed. 

The Bear is an American comedy-drama series created by Christopher Storer, written by Joanna Calo and Storer. Chef Carmy (Jeremy Allen White) leaves the best restaurant in the world (read: in America) after his brother, Mikey (cameo by Jon Bernthal), dies by suicide. Carmy will take over Mikey’s sandwich (read: burger) shop in Chicago. The restaurant is struggling. Carmy is struggling. Things get bad; things get better.

Watch The Bear if only for White, who is great. But the reason I’m writing about it is that these writers are among those who have raised the bar, recently, for what makes a character a ‘good guy.’