Fizzy

The first half of my life was about embracing the self-gaslighting. The second half of my life is about self-empathy. Realising that the world wasn’t made for me. And remembering that there are others for whom it wasn’t made, either. Listening to those voices and adjusting myself. And quietly listening to myself. Not driving for big success, but living how I should have, in a world that I make for myself.

The new thing is saying no to the loud voices. As an autistic growing up conservative, I gravitate to those loud, authoritative voices. The voices that made us susceptible to the narcissists and manipulators. So open, and vulnerable. But made of magic.

I wanted to shut myself off from being empathetic because that’s how they hurt us. But I also didn’t want to lose that part – the magic part, the best part. The way I can love other people is like white sorcery.

It was when my little brother was hurt that I knew I needed a real solution. So, here’s my new solution.

Saying no to the big voices can start with choosing your mentors. Saying ‘no’ to the Mel Robbins of this world. To focus on Mel – perhaps unfairly, as I like her (but as she says the world isn’t fair and no one is coming to save you) – she was already a person with a loud voice who was good at speaking in public, a person with those skills (even if she was masking) before she was the figure we know now. We can’t just cast a spell an emulate that. I can’t. I don’t want to pursue all that main character energy – at least, not in that way.

I want small things that give me small joy, and minor character energy. Because I bubble inside. I’m fizzy. And that only happens when I listen to myself — not you. And that’s what I want more of, every day, until die. My own, kind, voice to myself.

Photo by Marc Najera on Unsplash